I dont own this wonderful bunch of crap. Wheeeeeeeeeee. (Bursts into tears.) I think I'll hold the president hostage untill I get them. I'd do that cept I'm too lazy :)

"As you can see children, insanity is truly-'' Ms.Bitters horrifying lecture was interrupted by a huge machine punching through the wall. Dib perked up. Zim rolled his large eyes. The machine spit up a piece of paper. Ms.Bitters read it. She, already frowning, frowned some more. "Class, on Monday you will be starting a horrible new class." Dib grinned, and Zim decided to pay attention.
"It is called…Home Ec." All the girls cheered. Dib grimaced. Great. Sewing. At least Ms. Bitters wouldn't be teaching them. No teacher could be worse that Ms. Bitters.
Zim looked around the room at the mixed reactions. He saw everything from joy to sadness to horror. The Dib-monkey didn't seem too happy, but that could mean almost anything. Zim was confused. He had no Idea what this 'Home Ec' was. He decided to ask his computer about it as soon as he got home. He looked at the clock. It was almost 3:00. He sighed, and looked out the window. Ominous black clouds blanketed the sky, and thunder rolled. Zim shuddered, and regretted not putting on paste that morning. He had been to busy working on his…PAK. He paled visibly. His pak was unstable. He had till 3:30, at best. Then the atmospheric adjuster would shut down. He looked skywards, and prayed that it wouldn't rain.
The first wet droplets hit the windows just as the bell rang, releasing the students.
They ran out to play in the rain. Zim went outside too, and waited under the awning. Dib casually opened his umbrella and sauntered past him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Irken glare at him. He stepped into the rain, putting a foot of rain between him and his rival. He was suddenly glad for all the other children in the yard. Who knows what alien weapons Zim could have in that pak of his? He certainly had a lot of stuff.
He wondered how long Zim would stay there. Last month, he had had to stay under the awning for hours. At nightfall, Dib had had to go home, and the next morning Zim had been gone. So he could go out, just when no one was watching.
Today, Dib noticed, he looked extra worried. Might as well cheer the stranded alien up.
"Wassamatter, Zim? Scared of a little water? Oh, don't feel bad. I won't let your robot wreck your hose. In fact, I might as well go make sure he's doing Ok. While I'm there, I might as well take some pictures, and examples of Alien technology. Yup. See you Monday, Zim."
Dib hoped Zim would take the bait, yell something that might give him a clue as to what was wrong, but he didn't. He must be really worried. Dib grinned. And really stuck. He ran off to make good of the time he had.
By the time he made it to Zim's house, he was sure he'd have all day. The rain was only getting harder. He got out his black spray paint, and sprayed the eyes of all the gnomes. They crashed into each other, while Dib sauntered up the stairs.
The roboparents came out to greet/stop/terrorize him, but they had such awful programming, he didn't even need to try to evade them. They wheeled around insanely, crashing into the green walls.
Gir sat in front of the TV, cyan eyes glued to the monkey on the screen. Dib walked cautiously in front of him. Gir didn't notice. Dib stepped in front of the TV, and a hundred lasers sprang from Gir's head.
"YOU ARE AN INTRUDER!" He yelled. Dib stepped forward, no longer separating Gir from the TV. Gir sat down, the intruder forgotten. Dib walked to the kitchen and flushed himself down the toilet.
Zim watched the last of the Kids clear off the Skool lawn. He breathed a sigh of relief. It was only 3:10. He activated the laser ball in his pak, and rolled down the Skool steps. The rain on the sphere was the same as rain on a windshield. Luckily, ocular implants were standard invader issue. He made it home without crashing into too many garbage cans.
Dib had taken over three rolls of photos when Zim made it home. That's not counting the half-hour of footage. (Dib has like, 10 cameras. Really.) Zim took the elevator down into the main base, then locked all the elevators. Anyone in the base was staying there. He took out his tools and went to work on his Pak. He would mess with Dib later.
Dib was trapped in sub-level C. He didn't realize it though. He had found a copy machine. A machine that didn't replicate an image, it replicated an item. The few dollars that Zim had laying by it were replicated in exact detail, down to the tiny rips and watermarks. Of course, Dib fully intended to report it…but as sole protector of the Earth, he was was entitled to a few bucks, right?
He started the machine up, and it made such a loud noise that he didn't hear Zim sneaking up on him until after the tiny Irken was already sitting on his back. (Wow I wish I could do that.)
"Computer! Send Dib to the itchy camber!"
"But sir, we don't have an itchy chamber."
"WHY? WHY do we have no chamber of itchiness?"
"Umm, I don't know."
"Do we have any chambers of discomfort?"
"We have the bee chamber."
"WHY DO WE HAVE BEES IN THE BASE?" Zim had problems with bees.
More specifically, bees and Voot cruisers.
"I don't know."
"Ah, well. Send Dib to the bee chamber. Throw some honey on him, too."
"Okey-dokey."

The first bell of the week rang, and the helpless students filed into their classrooms. Zim was one of the first ones in his seat. H wanted to stay clear of Gaz. She was even more P.O.than usual. She had beat up Dib that morning for being gone all weekend. Despite the stings all over him, she had not believed the story about the 'alien bee chamber.'
Zim had been so busy watching Dib and laughing that he had forgotten to ask his computer about Home Ec. Fortunately, unlike Dib, he needed no sleep, and was alert to face any problems that might come with this new class. When the cheery new teacher came in, Dib was fast asleep on his desk. Zim giggled, thinking the teacher would do something horrible and painful to Dib. He tried to see over Brian.
But the teacher didn't pullout anything that glowed or buzzed. Instead, she shook his shoulder gently.
"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" She said cheerily. "Up all last night were you…" She consulted the seating chart. "Dib?"
"Yes," said Dib sleepily "I was being bee-tortured by Zim. He's an alien, you know." She smiled, and nodded her head.
"Oh, that's very nice. I'm glad you two are friends." Dib and Zim looked at each other in horror. Then they glared scathingly.
"Now, class, as you all know, I will be teaching your class this week. Today, we'll be learning how to knit. Here, I'll pass out syllabuses. Tomorrow, we will be learning crocheting. Wednesday, we'll be cooking, Thursday sewing, and Friday we'll pick a foreign language for you to work on later in the year. OK? Everybody get it? Great!" She passed out little packets of knitting needles. Then she pulled out (from nowhere) a big bag of hundreds of yarn colors.
"Come get any color you want." She said cheerfully. "We'll all be making scarves, which you will be required to wear all year. So pick carefully." Zim and The Letter M started fighting over a skein of light pink. While they rolled around on the floor, kicking and scratching, Mary walked off with it. She sat down and began knitting her lumpy scarf. (?!? Lumpy ?!?)
Dib picked his favorite color, black. Zim didn't really care which color he got. He stuck his hand into the pile, intending to grab something random, and get it over with. But then a bright color caught his eye. Then another, and another. He picked up an armload of colors and walked back to his desk with them. He watched intently as the teacher (Ms. Hurii) did a few stitches, then started on his own. At first, the needles felt strange in his hands, but after a while, he was going along faster than Mary. The idea of creating clothing had gone from something more suited for the slaves on Planet Fabrique to just another thing that he was superior at.
Dib was also pretty good. Unfortunately, he messed it up by trying to go faster than Zim. The result was kinda messy. He kept having to go back and undo things. This put him pretty far behind his archenemy. (I love that word…)
By the time the bell rang for lunch, he had a pretty cool black scarf with grey end…tassely…thingies. I don't know how to knit. Don't yell at me.
Zim on the other hand, had done something horribly wrong. He had a square made of blue, green, and purple. It was smaller than a blanket, and bigger than a scarf. Ms. Hurii looked it over and smiled. When the rest of the kids went to lunch, Zim stayed behind. She showed him a few different stitches. He sat at his desk working diligently. When the rest of the class came back he had made a black tube the length of his arm, and was working on another. The square lay on his desk.
Since Dib and a few other children had finished their scarves, Ms. Hurri showed them how to make doilies. He got some lacy stuff, and got to work. But of course, he mixed it with his favorite pastime, namely, glaring at Zim. Zim was ignoring him to the fullest sense of the word. He was completely immersed in his project. Dib wondered if you can make an alien doom machine out of yarn. He doubted it, but you never know.
"DIB!" Ms, Hurii came running over to where dib was working.
"Dib stop! Oh, now look what you've done!" Dib looked down. The smiley on his shirt was now completely covered but a horrendous looking doily. Dib screamed like a girl.
"Ahh! Get it off! It's after my intestines!" He clawed at the white monstrosity. Then he realized it was just a doily.
"Oh, dear. I can't figure out what you did, but that shirt is probably ruined." Said Ms. Hurii. Zim laughed.
" HA! Pathetic human. Can't even make a doily." He went back to work. Dib went to get a pair of scissors. He tried to cut the evil lace off his shirt, but he couldn't. It looked like the face had toilet paper chunks stuck to it's face. He cut the pieces as small as he could, but then it just looked like it had huge white pimples. He buttoned (?) up his black trench coat, and sat back down.
"SUCCESS!" Zim held up his project. It was a sweater made of two squares, and two black tubes. The front was a green stripe over a blue stripe over a purple stripe. The back was a medley of green, blue purple, and for some reason, red. He pulled it on over his head. It covered his uniform, and went all the way to his knees. It looked really cool. I would have worn it. Except it wouldn't have gone to my knees. Jhonen's people are not regularly proportioned. Anyways…
The bell rang for the end of Skool. The children filed out the window. Zim, as usual, opted for the door. He stood under the awning, wondering if it would rain. He decided not, and started down the steps. Something shoved him violently from behind. He rolled down the stairs and landed in a puddle. He was pasted, but his sweater was completely soaked, and muddy. He rushed home, not even stopping to exact his revenge. That was new.
He peeled off the soaking garment. His first thought was to throw it in the reuser, but then he remembered that this was not made of the same substance as his uniforms were. It couldn't be re-molded. He called for Gir, and the little robot fell from the ceiling, temporarily red.
"YES SIR!" He said.
"Gir, how do I clean this earth garment?" He held it aloft.
"Oh, oh, I know pick me!"
"Yes, I'm picking you Gir."
"You gotta take it to the Laundromat."
"What is that? Where is that?"
"I DONNO!"
And so they set out in search of a Laundromat. Once in the city, Gir seemed to know where he was going. Only problem, it wasn't the Laundromat. After finding himself at four different dance clubs, Zim decided to lead the way.
"BUT I WANNA GO TO THE TV PLACE!"
"No, Gir. No scary monkey for you."
"Awww" Zim marched off, leaving his green canine to follow. As he passed by a café, he saw a tall, thin man talking to two others. Something about doing the club tomorrow. Zim walked on.

3 hours later
The imposing darkness gave Zim an eerie feeling. Horrible memories of his last trip to the city danced through his head. And that's when Gir saw it.
"DA TV PLACE!" He screamed. He ran off toward it, dragging his master, who wouldn't let go of his leash. Zim slammed head first into a mailbox. He pulled his head off the box and waited for the pieces of his skull to re-attach themselves. He looked up at his malfunctioning Sir. Gir was watching laundry spin around.
They had found the Laundromat.
After a lot of confusion, some yelling, some violence, an exploded washing machine (No lasers involved there, nope.) and some flying kittens, Zim emerged triumphant. His sweater was clean. He announced his success to everyone in hearing distance, and walked home.
Tuesday
Zim found crocheting slow, tiring, and (although he'd never admit it) Difficult. He kept miscounting the stitches and having to go back. The orange yarn he was using for his hat (…thing…) kept getting snarled. He would have to pick at it. Dib was a lot better. He was making a really tall hat. It covered his hair, and most of his gigantic head. For once, he was so caught up in his work that he forgot to glare at Zim. This was made up for by Zim glaring at him. That's why Zim was doing a lot worse than he normally would have. Irken clothing was doily-proof, and it was a good thing. But it didn't stop him from encasing himself in yarn.
While all the children were laughing, Zim used a spider leg to cut through the crocheted evil. Ms. Hurii didn't notice. She was too busy trying to keep Dib from tackling the 'helpless alien.'
Zim looked at the shredded mass that had once been his hat. All the Tallest's ships, and all the Tallest's men could not put that hat back together again.
"Ms. Hapii! My hat's wrecked. What should I do?"
"Um… you can just sit around for the next ten minutes. The bell's gonna ring soon." She walked past the sulking Dib.
Zim slumped down into his seat. He put his feet up on his desk, and pushed the yarn onto the floor. It spontaniously combusted in a very impressive explosion. He opened his pak and took out a small cube. After a minute, music began to play out. He grinned, and listened, oblivious to all the children around him becoming zombies. Irken music is weird. Yup. The Zombies stood up and started line dancing. All except Dib. He was working too hard on his hat to notice anything happening.
Hall moniters POV:
I was trying to explain to Screamy the point of hall passes when Ms. Bitter's door burst open, and a bunch of Zombies came out. I thought the Skool was putting that drug in the lunch food again. But then I heard the m u s I c. Muuusst DAAAANCE!!

Zim watched the kids dance around him. He was sad about having his music player taken, but then again, the humans had enslaved themselves. Ah, well. The batteries wouldn't last much longer anyway. Zim turned and walked home.
(For a better story, go to 'short things resembling stories'. Now. GO!)

Wednesday

Most of the children recovered from Zombiehood with no side effects worse than implosion. All of them came to school the next day. They all wore their hats and scarves. Exept Zim, who wore his sweater.
The desks had been replaced with small counters, a burner in the upper left hand corner. On the burner was a small pot.
"Today," saod Ms. Hurii "We will be making chocolates. It's really easy. Just heat up the chocolate, pour it in a mold, and wait for it to cool. When your done, we'll work on some more complicated ones." She passed out chunks of white and dark chocolate. Zim took white, Dib got dark. Opposites to the end, those two.
The children filed up to the front desk to pick a mold. There were many bunnies and chicks. Most kids took hearts or something.
. Dib found one of ghosts and pumpkins. Zim got stuck with rabbits.
Slowly, Zim broke the white chunks of goodness up, trying not to touch them too much. He dropped them into the pot and, with nothing else to do, watched them melt.
"Fascinating…" He murmured. Without thinking, he licked a small amount of chocolate off his finger. Automaticy, he went into the screaming meemies. It was a few minutes of thrashing on the ground before he realized that the chocolate was deelishus.
"MMMM! CHOCOLATY GOODNESS MUST BE MINE!" He grabbed a chunk of chocolate off the teachers desk, and ate it. He grinned reeeeeal big. His desk beeped, and the pot vibrated. He lifted the pot off his desk, and carefully poured the chocolate into the molds. Ms. Hurii passed out pretzels to dip in the extra chocolate. Zim coated them all thoroughly. There was not a trace of chocolate left in his pot. Zim grinned bigger. Deeeeelishus….chocolate…..
In the time it took Dib to figure out the reaction of sugar to Irken cells, Zim had achieved a MASSIVE sugar rush.
"NEED MORE EARTH SUGAR!!!" He screamed, before running straight through the wall into the hall. (Be afraid… be very afraid…)
Dib grinned. He had had many brain-freezy induced sugar rushed himself, and he knew that what came up…must come down. He followed the delusional Zim out of the Skool.
Ms. Hapii looked at the two AWOL students' fleeing backs.
"Children, I must inform you that that is not allowed. Upon returing to the Skool, those children will be punished by HAVING THEIR BRAINS ERASED!"

"GIR! COME! WE MUST FIND ALL OF THE EARTH SUGAR ON THE WHOLE PLANET! ME MIGHT HAVE TO LOOK HARD, FOR THIS IS AN AWESOME THING AND MUST BE CLOSELY GAURDED!" Gir screamed.
"YEAH! I KNOW WHERE WE CAN GET SUGAR!" Zim grinned
"WHERE? TELL ME!"
"AT THE 24/7!!!!"
"WE MUST GO THERE AND DEPRIVE THEM OF ALL THEIR SUGAR!"

4 seconds later at the 24/7
"GIVE SUGAR TO ZIM, GAS SLAVE!"
"Ok, jeez. You might want brainfreezys, their over there, or candy, it's over there in that isle." Zim grinned evilly.
"I want both."
Zim got a 30000 oz. cup and waited for the skinny guy ahead of him to finish with the cherry doom. Waited for four seconds, that is.
"MOVE! ZIM DEMANDS CHERRY DOOM!"
Zim shoved the guy out of the way. He looked at Zim in a frightening manner, and started to reach into his boot. Then he saw what a huge rush Zim was on, and instead cleared out. He knew a disaster when it was about to happen.
Zim filled op his cup, took a huge gulp, topped it off, and then proceeded to the candy isle. He grabbed a bag full of twizzlers. Gir was already there, storing as much stuff as possible in his head. Already the little robot looked a little full. Zim tucked the crate of Cow Tales under his arm, and walked out of the store. Unseen, Dib trailed behind him.

WHEEEE!!!! Zim bounced off the walls. He didn't even notice Dib sitting right there on his couch. He was literally drunk off the sugar. He fell onto the couch, and the trampoline effect slammed Dib into the ceiling. Zim didn't notice the Earth boy peel off the ceiling to land painfully on the floor.
He took another swig of brainfreezy, which by now was so filled with extra sugar and pieces of twizzler that he could no longer use the straw without sucking his head inside out. He grinned drunkenly. He reached into the pile for another bag of skittles, and his hand shook dangerously.
Dib, sitting on the couch again, wondered if Zim might get sick. So far, Irkens seemed to have the same basic reactions to sugar that humans got to alchohol. (What? Stop looking at me like that. We're talking about a race that's allergic to WATER.)
Would Zim die of sugar poisoning…?
Dib wonderd if yes or no was the good answer. On one hand, Zim was trying ot take over Earth. On the other hand, he was horrible at it, and stopping him was the only interesting thing that ever happened to Dib. Dib decided to help Zim.
"Zim!" He yelled really loud. Zim stopped looking for the skittles, and eyed Dib warily.
"DIB!" Zim yelled back. He giggled. Dib… weahhh.
I'm going into your base, Zim." Said Dib. Dib got up, and so did Zim. Dib walked the opposite direction of Zim's lair. In fact, he walked to his own house. And Zim, in his sorry state, followed him the whole way, thinking he was 'chasing' the Earth boy out of his home. He was REALLY screwed up by now.
"DAD! Something's wrong with Zim! Could you look at him PLEASE!" Professor Membrane smiled.
"Of course son. I'll take a look at your little foreign friend." The professor lifted Zim up and carried him into the lab. Dib followed.
"ooooh, lookit. This like a… HALLOWEEN! ThThe candy… NEED SUGAR!!!!" Zim looked a lot greener than usual. Dib hoped he wouldn't be sick. Alien barf…yuk.

"Oh, here's the problem, son. Your friend's drunk. He seems to have been intoxicated by sugar. Must be a side effect of his skin condition." Dib nodded. He looked at the K.O.ed Zim. He was grinning really big. Must be dreaming about brainfreezys. Professor Membrane went back upstairs to look for more toast. Dib stayed downstairs, guarding Zim. It was gonna be a long night.

The next morning.
Zim awoke with a huge headache. He sat up, moaning and clutching his head. He wondered why he wasn't in his sleeping pod. Wait… he wasn't in his base! He was in…
"Glad you're finally awake, ALIEN!" Said Dib evilly.
"Why am I at your house, Dib-monkey?" Zim was in too much pain to fight with Dib at that particular point.
"You followed me here yesterday, after getting drunk off sugar. You've been here all night. And you're lucky I haven't called Mysterious Mysteries yet."
"Why not?"
"Because I wanna beat your butt in home ec, Mr. Fancy sweater." (OOC but I've gotta do SOMETHING!9)
"Fine." Zim sat for a moment. "Don't you have some smelly Earth-parent who should be yelling at you to get ready for Skool?" Dib shrugged.
"Nah. My dad pretty much just leaves Gaz and I to ourselves. There used to be a pre-recorded tape running telling us to get up, but I dismantled that a few years ago."
Zim suddenly realized how young Dib was. Barely 12 years old. Zim himself was over 120. To be all alone all the time…
"DIB! I'm counting to five and then I'm leaving!"
"COMING GAZ!" Dib yelled. "C'mon, Zim. We've gotta go to skool."

Thursday
Dib, Zim and Gaz walked to skool together that day. Gaz didn't notice. She was too wrapped up in her gameslave. Dib kept trying to push Zim into puddles, and Zim kept trying to come up with another INGENOIUS plan. Neither succeeded.

"Today, class, we'll be learning how to sew. You just have to sew the two halves of the teddy bear together, OK?" To make a long story I don't feel like typing short, they did. Letty impaled her hand on a needle. She had to go home. Zim's bear ended up with an extra leg, so Dib won the day's contest. That put him at two, Zim at one. They both failed Wednesday for bailing.

Friday
Thank Goodness, I'm almost done I can't believe this has DRAGGED out so long. I'm suffering from Filler Bunny syndrome here.

The class puzzled over the worksheets they had been handed. The worksheet had several easy sentances written in about seven different languages. The children were supposed to translate them. Most kids just gave up. Translating was too hard. Some kids knew a few different sentences, but didn't know the rest.
Dib had been trying to learn Atlantean for a few months now, and that put him far ahead of the rest of the class, because he could almost read the Arabic symbols. He was absolutely sure that he had Zim beat. Imagine his surprise when he looked at Zim, and saw him racing along. He was almost done already.
Dib looked at his half-finished worksheet. The strange words seemed to smirk at him. He glared at Zim.
Zim looked at the worksheet. He was done already, but he wanted to bask in Irken superiority some more. The words and symbols on the paper showed, to him, Irken lettering. Ah, the greatness of ocular implants. The tiny microchips translated everything to Irken, mostly the same way his pak did it to sounds. Made by Vort Engineers, these little beauties. (Vort Engineers: They're filthy.)
He smirked over at Dib. His triumph for the day was acknowledged. The bell rang on a dead tie.
'OMG! I can't believe I'm DONE! This fanfic was SUCH a good idea when I HAD it like, a month ago. Now I'm just glad to have this thing OVER WITH!

If you don't like the ending, I don't care. Really I don't. Go write your own. Email it to me. I might put it up.