Zim stared at his findings in horror. He ran the diagnostic again. Same results. The figures glowed bright red on the computer
screen. 75%. 75% water. That couldn't be! He ordered his computer to open a communication line with the tallest.
"INCOMING TRANSMISSION from EARTH!!" Yelled one of the workers. The Tallest groaned. It had been such a nice
"What do you want, Zim?" asked Red
"My Tallest, I feel I must inquire, what were you planning on doing with this
disgusting, awful planet?"
"We weren't-" began Purple, but Red interrupted.
"Uh, we, maybe a, I dunno, vacation planet?"
must inform you that this planet is completely uninhabitable to our advanced species. 75% of its surface is covered in…"
he gulped "water"
The Tallest shuddered. They had encountered small amounts of this highly corrosive liquid before. It
hadn't been pleasant.
"That isn't all, My Tallest. It regularly falls from the sky in great torrents the filthies call
'rain.' The Earth's gravity isn't strong enough to hold it, either. It…" he gulped again
"Splashes. Like the liquids
on Planet Niine"
The Tallest thought of the Planet Niine. The hot tub planet. Covered in warm sticky goo. The thought of
water taking the place of the goo made them almost sick to their stomachs. They muted the screens and turned away from Zim.
"What do we do now?" Asked Purple. "If we tell him the planet is useless, he'll come back." The Tallest shuddered more.
Conversations with Zim usually ended like that.
"I've got an idea.' Said Red. He turned back to Zim. "Zim, we have decided
to give you the planet Earth. Once you conquer it, you can rule it as you like. Just don't call us anymore."
Zim beamed. He cut the transmission. Red and Purple did a little dance. No more Zim forever! Red quickly deleted him from
all records. Records were really just memories, after all.
"Times like these call for Nachos!" Yelled Purple. Red followed
right behind him.
Frillions of miles away
Control Brain 73927849408839, in charge of all Irken invaders, suddenly
received a violent shock. A quick scan found that it came from a registered Resisty ship. The Brain's first thought was to
report the shock, but when it thought again, that wasn't such a good idea. The Resisty was her friend. The enemy was…the
Tallest. She decided to share the information with the other brains. She initiated a download scan, and sent the new files
with the other brains.
All over the Irken Empire, Brains and Irkens alike received the same shock. No one reported it,
however. Why follow the Tallest's regulations? The Tallest were the enemy. Ships flocked toward the Massive. The rebellion
Dib was walking down the street ranting on and on about Aliens. Gaz growled and tried to ignore him.
The new level was so close.
"So you see, Gaz, all I've gotta do is get some fingerprints and I'll have all the evidence
I need to turn into Mysterious Mysteries! Then the earth will be safe from all of Zim's evil.
"The great thing is that
he doesn't even know about all the footage I've got. So he can't send his stupid robot to steal it! And he can't go into my
brain and delete the knowledge that I have it. I plainly labeled all the copies, and left them in obvious places in my room!"
he just go into your room and steal them?" Asked Gaz.
"No! I locked my door and my windows!" said Dib proudly.
have to protect the earth from someone who can't get past a locked door?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
Gaz didn't reply. She was
too far lost in her game. She was beating the last level for the fifty millionth time. And this looked like a record-setting
time. 23.82 seconds. Beat that.
"Anyway, I came up with a pretty good plan." Dib continued. "All I gotta do is get into
Zim's base. I'll pick a day when he actually goes to school. Then I'll sneak into his base. I just gotta get past those lawn
gnomes, and his psycho robot parents, and his hyper little green dog. Then I have to go down his toilet, and pick up something
he must touch without his gloves on. Then I gotta blow up everything I can find, and then get out without being killed. How
hard could it be?"
Gaz ignored him, but he didn't notice. He rambled on about Zim some more, then ran off chasing a Bigfoot.
(It escaped, in case you were wondering.)
Deep inside Zim's base
Zim threw another ball of paper at the incinerator.
He missed. Again.
"GIR!!" Gir dropped down off the ceiling and landed on his head. Again.
"Gir, vaporize the paper ball!"
Gir switched into Duty Mode, and blasted the paper with a laser, creating a huge crater. Again. Gir jumped up in the air and
disappeared. Zim went back to drawing. He was trying to create blueprints for the huge sculpture of himself he would create
as soon as he had conquered the planet. However, he was a horrible failure at drawing. He threw the wrecked drawing at the
incinerator. He missed, and the paper rolled into a crater.
Hundreds of Irken ships had converged
around the massive. The Tallest, sensing trouble, had simply disappeared. Good thing too, because now, all Irkens had received
the files from the Resisty ship. They knew that the Tallest were the enemy. They weren't sure why they knew it, but, like
always, they just did what their paks told them to do. The Invaders, now the closest thing to leaders, had to find a leader.
They weren't sure how to go about it, however. For as long as anyone could remember, the tallest had been the leaders. Now,
everyone seemed to be opposed to that idea.
"What if we made the smartest Irken the leader?" proposed Skoodge.
a stupid idea!" yelled Sploodge.
"What about the biggest head?" asked Spleen.
"You would say that!" replied Larb.
been lying on a couch too long, Larb. Your brain's melted!" said Poot.
"SO?" Yelled Larb.
At this point, all the invaders
began arguing amongst themselves. All except El. She sat in quiet contemplation as all the others fought. Finally she stood
"Hey!" No response from the Invaders.
"HEY!!" Still no response.
"HEY SHUT UP I'VE GOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!!" That
got their attention. She climbed up onto the table.
"We all know the Tallest were bad, right? Yeah, ok. So why don't we
pick a leader the opposite of them. We need to pick a good leader. So, therefore, the leader must be SHORT!"
all looked at each other. None of them could argue with that logic. Invader Sneakyonfoota began to write the idea into the
computer. Within a few minutes, all Irkens knew of the new decree. And since the information was programmed into their Paks,
no one thought to check exactly who the shortest Irken actually was.
Zim ran through his front door and slammed
it behind him. A loud boom was heard as something big slammed into the other side. The Roboparents wheeled out to greet him,
but he pushed them over. They did less damage when they weren't standing up.
He ran down into his lab. He had a lot of
important work to do. He put Gir onto a small, heavy metal box, and chained the lid shut. Then he went to work. With less
noise and screaming, he encoded most of his proposed laws for the planet. When he heard the explosion several hours later,
he sighed. He had such a great start. Gir came running into the room he was in. He was still on fire from exploding his metal
"I'M ON FIRE I'M ON FIRE! YYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!"
Gir went on screaming until the fires went out. Then
he began to cry. His cries turned into screams that got progressively louder until he dropped suddenly onto sleep. Zim shivered.
The way Gir did that scared him. He remembered hearing something about how Tenn's Sir Units had attacked and ruined her mission.
He picked up Gir and carried him over to his worktable. He opened the metal flaps on Gir's head. He had been meaning to upgrade
Gir's artificial intelligence chip for quite some time. He rummaged inside Gir's head, occasionally throwing out a pig or
a clod of mud. By the time he pulled out a mailbox, he was sure that Gir's AI chip was not malfunctioning, it was gone.
problem, he would just have to get another one. He opened up a communication link with the Massive. The video screen turned
on, but instead of the Tallest, Zim saw a collection of invaders in the command room.
"Hey guys! Long time no see! Wacha
doin?" The invaders looked at each other and grinned. Zim was definatly shorter than Skoodge.
"Hey, I just wanted to ask
the tallest to send me another artificial intelligence chip, so, if you could just put them on..."
"Zim, haven't you heard?
The Tallest are gone!" Said Tenn.
"Why hasn't the news been downloaded to your pak?" asked El.
"Because it's been disconnected."
Said Sneakyonfoota. He hit a few buttons, and the screen lit up. The word REACTIVATE? glowed bright green. He hit the Y key,
and a 'loading' bar appeared.
"Just one second, Zim." Said Sneakyonfoota. Secretly, he wondered why the Tallest had removed
Zim from the system.
Zim jerked as his pak received a weeks worth of info in 2 seconds. He jerked again as he realized
that the whole Irken government system had been reversed. Then he grinned. That was good. The Tallest were the Enemy.
Ship, Qwicnik Galaxy, wormhole 23
Lard Nar beamed. Spleenk's reprogramming of the control brain had proved quite useful.
The Irkens had overthrown their own leaders. Now all that was left to do was to move in and destroy the disconnected species.
The Irken Machine would finally be broken.
"Spleenk!" He yelled Spleenk appeared beside his chair. "What did you tell the
Irkens to do after overthrowing the Tallest?"
"What do you mean nothing? Didn't you tell them to free the
"Leave the occupied planets?"
"Reimburse the slaves they've kept for centuries?"
do I keep putting you in charge of these things?"
Shloonktapooxis came up behind them, grinning as always.
"Sir, we have a problem. The Irkens have a new leader. Yeah. He's worse than the Tallest. Remember how the Massive kept
swerving? That was his fault. Remember the horrible failure of Impending Doom I? That too. And remember horrible painful overload
day I and II? That too. And remember-"
"Yes, yes we get it." Interrupted Lard Nar. 'So what do we do?"
can do. We're just gonna have to come up with another plan. That was a good one, though." Lard Nar sighed, and then straightened
"Waitaminit! This guy has been wreaking havok since he was born! Most likely he'll continue to do so now that he's
ruler! He'll destroy the empire, and all we've gotta do is wait." He grinned. Mission accomplished.
was very happy. The shortest Irken. The other Invaders were running a computer scan, but he already knew who the leader would
be. The Tallest had told him all those months ago. No invader had ever been so very small. So when his picture came up on
the screen, he wasn't surprised. All eyes turned toward him ,and he grinned. This week just kept getting better.
I guess you're the new Shortest. Uh, do you want us to bring the Massive to Earth to get you?" Asked Tenn.
"No, no, I have
some things to do before I come. Can you send me one of those Planet Bombs? I want to destroy the earth once and for all."
course, my Shortest." Tenn bowed, and cut the transmission.
A few hours later, Zim heard his doorbell ring. He thought
it might be the bomb's meteor, and went to answer the door. When he opened it, he saw not the box he was expecting to see;
he saw Dib. Too late he realized he had forgotten to put his disguise on. Dib grinned, and raised the camera he always had
with him. He took at least four pictures before he realized Zim didn't care. In fact, Zim was grinning. That couldn't be good.
Zim pointed to a spot over Dib's shoulder, and dib turned around. He didn't see anything, and turned back around in time to
see Zim slam the door in his face. He lost his balance and fell over. A lawn gnome grabbed his hair sickle and pulled him
out of Zim's yard. But it didn't take his camera.
Inside, Zim chuckled.
"Yes, Dib. Take your pictures. It doesn't matter
anymore. In a few hours, your planet won't exist anymore." The door bell rang again, and this time he put on his disguise
before opening it. A huge crater took up most of his yard. Inside the crater was a cardboard box. Eagerly he opened the box
and burrowed through the packing peanuts. Inside was a really huge, thick book and a bunch of little pieces of machinery.
On the front of the book were the words 'Planet Bomb' then, in smaller letters, 'some assembly required.' Zim groaned. Just
what he needed. More work. He carried the huge box inside and went to work. He had barely been working for twenty minutes
when Gir's annoyingly high-pitched voice squealed over the intercom.
"MASTEEEEERRR!! YOU GOTTA GO TA SKOOOOOLLL!!!" Zim
smiled. Ah, skool. In a few short hours the skool wouldn't even be there. Dib would probably spend all day trying to convince
everyone he was an alien. He would probably use his new pictures. Zim paled. If he wasn't in skool, people might begin to
suspect he was up to something. He quickly threw on his disguise and walked out the door.
Two minutes later
through the front door, and slammed it behind him. Something huge slammed into the other side. He gasped for air. He looked
as if he had just rum a marathon.
"Man, when did Zim add that?" He looked around. Gir was sitting on the couch watching
the Scary Monkey Show. He noticed Dib, but didn't really pay attention. What else is new. Dib watched him for a second, then
walked right past him to the kitchen. He jumped into the garbage can, and it started down. Dib gaped at all the advanced machinery.
He had seen it before, of course, but that didn't make it any less cool. He ran around and pushed a lot of buttons. He yelled
at the computer, and the computer yelled back.
"Hey, Zim…computer-thingy! Do you have a self-destruct button?"
"Over there. The big red button…no, not that one. A little left…more...more…There! Yeah. That
Dib hit the button, and a lot of red lights began to flash. A mechanical voice began to count down from 200. Dib
looked around for something to take. He looked until there were only 100 seconds left. Then he saw a big huge book. He grabbed
it, and tried to walk toward the elevator. Something shoved him violently from behind.
"Hello, Dib." Said Zim. Dib sprawled
out on the floor. He tried to grab the book, but only managed to grab a page. It ripped out, and he shoved it in his pocket.
Zim didn't notice.
"You may have noticed that" Zim stopped for a second, then "Computer! Abort self-destruct sequence!
Yes, ahem. Where was I? Oh, yes. You are lucky that I learned from the mistakes of your filthy earth villains. My self-destruct
sequence automatically informs me when it's activated. Had it not, I, my base, and you, would all be smoking ruins."
ME" Said Dib "I would be running away with my proof."
"No, no, you see, these 'house' units were built with the purpose
of Invaders in mind. The only reason an Invader would order a self-destruct sequence is that they had been discovered. The
doors and windows-and yes, the elevators-lock, leaving the invader and any intruders in the base trapped inside." He pointed
his pak. "This is all on disk, Dib. We can be brought back."
"Soo, I suppose you're gonna do horrible violent things to
me now, right?"
"No, Dib. I'm going to do something much worse. I'm going to let you go. But you will go knowing that I
am going home. And as soon as I'm beyond the reach of the blast, I'm going to blow this planet into shards of space dust."
Zim laughed evilly at the look on Dib's face. (I can picture it, and I'm telling you, it's great. I'm laughing evilly too,
just thinking about it.)
With that, Zim pressed a button and a pipey-thingy came down from the roof. It sucked Dib up,
and with much clanging and banging (mostly his enormous head hitting the sides) Deposits him in the front yard. But he still
had that page. He ran off to see if maybe, just maybe, that one page didn't just happen to have a fingerprint on it.
below him, Zim turned to the first page in the huge book, and began to read.
A million bazillion quadrillion miles
Two tall figures screamed their lungs out as their escape vehicle plummeted toward an unknown planet. They were sure
this was the end. They hugged each other and hoped they didn't die. They crashed through dense, thick undergrowth. It sounded
like cellophane. Four inches from the ground, the speeding ship leveled off, and came to a stop, completely unfazed.
Said Red "I figured we were gonna die."
"Yeah" Said Purple. "I didn't know the ships did THAT. Those Vorts really-" He
stopped abruptly as he looked around him. Through some quirk in the Laws of All That Is Natural, hundreds of baggies of chips,
pretzels and other snacks grew from the trees surrounding them. Just then, a bunch of weird-looking natives of the planet
came out to greet them.
"Hi. We live here. Can we proclaim you rulers of the planet and obey you unquestioningly for the
rest of your lives?"
"OK, then. We have a palace for you over here." And the group marched
Wow. I can make everyone happy here. Find another ending for this show where everyone is happy and no one dies.
on Earth, but it's the next day. Traveling bazillions of miles takes some time, you know!
"Gir! Get in the Voot! Hurry,
Gir we have to be gone in the next ten seconds or I won't clear the blast!" Gir smiled, and jumped in the Voot. Zim started
the engine. The Voot rose off the roof. People gawked, but Zim no longer cared. At that moment Gir screamed that he had forgotten
his piggies, and leaped out of the Voot. Zim grimaced. There wasn't time to go back. He lifted off and flew away. He regretted
leaving the little robot. It's strange rantings and screaming had gotten to him somehow. As he left Earth's atmosphere, he
cast a glance downward. Then he remembered all the piggies he had brought to amuse Gir. Anything but the song… Doom…Doom
song… He shuddered, and jettisoned the piggies.
On Earth's surface, Gir ran in circles and screamed. Piggies dropped
all around him. The big-headed boy came running up the street, waving papers. The neighbors gawked, mystified at the strange
ship, and now the strange robot.
"That was Zim!!" Yelled Dib "I told you he was an alien!!" Presidentman drove up in his
"Wow, Dib, you sure showed us." He said "As reward for being right, I guarantee that from now on, everyone
will always believe you. And, you can have the alien house, too!"
"WOW!" Said Dib. He ran into Zim's house to begin decoding
data. Gir sat on the pavement and ate a burrito.