own none of the others. I have to type this in case any of the readers are mentally deficient. If you STILL refuse to beleive that Zim and the rest don't belong to me, send me fanmail. Then I''ll send assassins after you. ^.^

"I FOUND THE VAAASSSSOOOLLLLELEEEAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"
"Gir… why are you covered in vasolean? "
"I’M SLIDING! Sliding all over the floor! I SLIDE LIKE PIGGY!"
"Nonsense. There is nowhere near enough vasolean on you to make you slide on anything."
"THAT’S WHY I RUBBED IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR, TOO!"
Zim’s eye twitched.
"ARRRRRRGH! Vasolean is very hard to remove, Gir. It’s hard to remove from ANYTHING."
"YEAH I KNOW!! NOW IT WILL BE HERE FOREVER AND…" The robot’s attention failed. He ran off chasing something inanimate.
"That crazy…" Zim let out a string of Irken curses.
"GIR! Come here! NOW GIR!!" The robot bounced into the room, wrapped in hundreds of rubber bands.
"WHHHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
"How on Irk did you manage THAT?"
"I duuuunnno! I DONNNOOOOOO!!!" Zim grabbed the bouncing ball out of midair, pulling the rubber strips off. They flew off, hitting random things, and landing on the floor. Finally Zim got through all the bands, and opened the top of Gir’s head. Once inside, it was easy to locate the shut-off switch. Zim flipped it, and the lifeless robot clattered to the ground. Zim kicked it into a corner, and it bounced under the couch.

"My tallest, this week along with my usual begging for tanks and weapons of mass destruction, I would like to request a SIR unit. The other is kind of… broken. A lot. He…uh…was destroyed in a battle between me and…uh… the Earth army. Mmyep. Exactly what happened."
Red turned to Purple.
"We can’t give him a SIR." He said behind his hand. Purple nodded.
"What do we do?"
"I KNOW!!" They looked at Zim, afraid he might have noticed something. But he just stared blankly at the screen.
"We can send him the most insane, destructive robot the Vorts can put together. That may just solve the whole problem."
"Yeah…" Red motioned to a tech, and whispered something in his ear. The tech giggled, and ran off.
"This one time, Zim we will send you a SIR. It should be arriving-"
On the screen, a huge explosion was heard. Zim squealed, and ran off screen. A few seconds later, he returned with a huge box.
"Those Vorts sure are quick." Purple said quietly. Red nodded. Zim burrowed through the box coming out with a tiny robot about the size of Gir. It seemed to be made entirely of triangles. He shook it, and it sparked to life.
"PIR! Reporting for duty!" The robot said, eyes red.
"Pir? What does the P stand for?" Pir’s eyes faded into a light purple. (Oooh! Well named!)
"PICKLES!" It screamed. "POTATOES PINKIES PORCILAIN POP-TARTS POOP GREEN!"
"Green?" Zim asked, staring at the Tallest. They stared blankly at him.
"Okay…"
"It’s a prototype. It should get more and more sane as the days go by. It’s up to you to fix pieces that may go wrong, ok?"
"Okay…"
"We have to go. RIGHT NOW!" The screen went black, and the Tallest burst out laughing.
"It gets more and more DESTRUCTIVE as the days go by!" Burst out Red.
And they laughed at the horrible thing they had done to Zim. (THOSE BASTARDS!)

Zim looked speculatively at the little robot. She was staring speculatively back up at him.
"You aren’t as tall as the other guys." She said innocently. Zim’s eye twitched. (not as tall =MAJOR INSULT TO ALL IRKENS. Just FYI…)
"Eye twitch: Sign of extreme displeasure or impending insanity." Rattled off Pir.
"Yes, very nice. Now, Pir, it is time for a FIELD TEST! We shall destroy my hated enemy, Dib." Zim said matter-of-factly.
"You don’t like him? Why not?"
"Because he is a filthy human. We hate all humans. They’re our enemies, and it is our mission to destroy them. We must also use the word annihilate to describe our everyday actions."
"Why?"
"It’s our mission." Zim walked toward the elevator.
"Why?" Pir flew beside him, looking expectantly up at him.
"Because the Tallest told us to."
"Why?"
"Because I begged them for one."
"One what?"
"A MISSION!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okydoky artichokie."
Zim walked through the living room, not sparing a thought to the formerly insane robot pieces under the couch. Pir looked up at him, having the air of a small child walking beside her parent. Zim stopped abruptly.
"Oh. You need a disguise."
"Oh, yeaaaah."
A holo-screen floated down from the mass of wires on the ceiling. Zim skipped through the various pictured untill he found one to his liking. It was a light purple cat. He pushed pir onto a small platform, and there was a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT! Zim rubbed his eyes, and when the spots cleared, he saw a neon cat sitting on front of him, staring innocently.
"I’m a cat." It said. "Felinus Domesticus. Distant relatives include the Mountain lion, Tiger, Puma and lion. All soon to be extinct at the current rate of destruction by the dominant species of their planet, Human."
"Exellent." Said Zim, rubbing his gloved hands together. The random knowledge was a good sight better than Gir’s screaming.
"What were we gonna do again?" She asked.
"We are going to destroy a meddlesome human."
"Oh, yeah."
Zim put in his contacts and they walked outside into the evening.

"Now, if I am correct, which I obviously am, Dib will be in that room there." Zim pointed to a lit window. Pir looked up at it.
"I’m going there?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"To destroy the Earth-stink inside."
"Okydoke."
Without another word, Pir flew up to the window, and using a plasma cannon mounted in her left forearm, blasted the window, and most of the surrounding wall, away. Before the smoke could even clear, she launched another dozen shots into the room. Then she hovered a few feet outside the window for visual confirmation of the aquired target. Below, Zim cackled evilly. Pir was SO much better than Gir, even if she was kinda… weird.

Dib heard a crash as he was brushing his teeth. Spitting out the foam, he rushed to his room… or what was left of it. Coughing a little, he tried to wave away the smoke. It was slowly settling. He looked out through his wall at the yard, trying to see anything at all.
A metallic something pushed him off his feet, and he landed hard on his back, staring up at the ceiling. A tiny cat, similar to Zim’s green dog, came between him and the ceiling. It glared down at him, triangle eyes sizing up a target. It’s pointer finger ended in a barrel, and he was looking right down it. The cat grinned a cruel smile.
And then it stopped. It looked at him in a strange way. Inside the finger, Dib saw something spark. He closed his eyes and waited for whatever was coming.

Zim smiled as he heard a crack from inside the room. A second later, Pir came flying out of the window, blue jets lighting up the yard.
"Target aquired, and destroyed." She said in a monotone.
"Perfect." Zim said. He turned and began the short walk home, the cat on his heels.
By the time he got home, however, he had developed a new master plan.
"I’m going down into the labs. I have an INGENIOUS idea. Don’t disturb me. You can watch the TV, it is an excellent source of information."
"Yes, sir." Pir said, saluting. Her eyes turned red. Zim walked to the toilet, and Pir began watching the TV. Zim was right. There were a lot of different things to be learned from a TV. She sat rigidly on the oversized couch, and began memorizing information.

Dib slowly opened his eyes. And saw his ceiling.
"Huh. I was expecting something a little more… heaven-y." He said to no one. Turning around, he looked at his carpet. A foot or so above where his head had been, there was a tiny hole in the carpet.
"That doesn’t look very bad." He said, peering down the hole. Below him, the hole continued through a couch, and a good foot into the floor.
"Or maybe it IS bad…"

Pir watched three different televisions at once. She located comedies and sitcoms to be the most ‘realistic’ types of television. Ironic how they were better than ‘reality’ shows. Cartoons she avoided altogether.
After a few hours she got bored with the television, and began to look around the room. She flew up to the ceiling and climbed in the wires for a good hour. And then she decided to hide under the couch.
"What’s this?" She dragged Gir’s corpse out of the dusty space. "Hmmm. Vaguely like the SIR unit, but… different." She looked at the flaps hanging open on Gir’s head.
"Quite damaged, too. Let’s see if we can fix that." Tongue protruding slightly from her mouth, she started to work.

Power: Engaged
All systems on line.
Artificial intelligence upgraded.
Artificial intelligence operating at 75%
TACOS!!
Taco impulse: denied.
Awww…
Optics: On-line
Engage? Y/N
Y

Pir stared down at her work. As she watched, cyan eyes lit up, and the metal mouth twisted into a grin.
"HIYA!" It shrieked.
"Who are you?"
"Uh…um…"
"Are your repairs not complete?"
"Nope. I’m fixed. THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!" The suddenly red eyes glared at her. They switched to blue again.
"Can I have a taco?"
"Sure, I guess."
"YAY FOR TACO!!!"
The two robots climbed into their suits, and walked out the door.

"Okay. Picture this. I’m sitting here, minding my own business, when the door opens. I can’t see anyone over the counter, so at first I say, Come back with your parents. But the door doesn’t open again. Then I hear the brainfreezy machine working. Now, I turn off the brainfreezy machines after two. I do this because I kept having clerks get murdered. I figured if the murderer didn’t come in for a Freezy… well, you get the picture.
Anyway, I look over at the machine, and there’s a CAT hanging on the handle, holding it down. Below her, a DOG is holding a freezy cup. A dog.
Who knew dogs and cats got along?

"Anyway, they went to go outside, without paying. And genius animals or no, everyone pays. So I say to them, I says, Hey, that’s a dollar for the Freezy! And the cat jumps on the counter and says, it says Silence Earth beast. We will take your feezy, and NONE BE SAID ABOUT IT! And I wasn’t gonna take that. And the dog waves at me, and the dog says, he says, TACOS!!!!!"
The man sat back in his chair, his story finished. The other man looked at him incredulously.
"Well, gol-darn, you’re right. Cats ARE smarter than dogs!"
"Mmyep."

Dib looked out his window onto the front street. Well, it wasn’t HIS window. He was in the guest room. His room was kinda… obliterated.
And who did he see, but the cat walking down the street with a dog!
"That’s ZIM’S DOG!" He shouted. He burst out of the door, leaving it to slam shut behind him. He ran out onto the street, skidding to a stop in front of the strolling animals. He saw they both had brainfreezy cups. What was up with THAT?
"Hey you, Zim, robot thingie, who’s this?" He pointed to the cat.
"HI BIG HEAD BOY!!!"
"My head’s not big." Said Dib menacingly.
"Yes it is." Said Gir.
"No it’s not." Said he cat. Dib looked at it gratefully.
"It’s an optical illusion created my a mix of your hair not covering your ears, which are pushed out pretty far by your glasses. It’s actually the right size. It just LOOKS grotesquely ginormous."
"Thanks." Said Dib sarcastically. Then, "What’s up with you? Did Zim build you, too?"
"No. I was manufactured on Irk. By the Vortian engineers."
"Why?"
"Originally, I was designed to assist Invader Tenn in her mission, but after her… mishap… she no longer wants nor accepts the help of SIR units. I was put into storage. Then one day they brought me up, altered my AI, and sent me here. I do not know why."
"Oh…kay…"
"You are looking for a reason why I did not destroy you as I was commanded to do?"
"Yeah, about that."
"First, I was altered so I do not ALWAYS respond to my masters wishes. More importantly, I see a child here. I was not sent here to kill the Earth’s young. I will leave that to the armada."
"Yeah." Said Gir. "Uh… what she said."
Pir walked around Dib, Gir following behind.
"Hey!" Dib shouted. "You come back! Hey! Get back, here, you can’t just leave!" He ran inside, and dug out a net gun he had ordered from the back of some Paranormal Science magazine he had. He ran back outside and aimed at the retreating machines. After a second, he fired. An electronet flew out of the end and engulfed them.
"Yes!" He shouted, throwing his fist in the air.

Pir looked calmly at the electronet. Beside her, Gir shrieked and thrashed in the harmless netting. He just did it cuz shrieking and trashing was fun. She sighed, and released her own magnetic pulse, canceling the net’s, so it evaporated with out a trace. Dib, a few feet away, stopped dead in his tracks, dumbfounded. Pir glared maliciously at him.
"NOW you’ve done it." She said quietly.
"Uh…" He backed off, Pir followed him. Gir grinned, and galumphed after them happily. Pir released another electric pulse, effectively knocking Dib out. He would be unconscious for hours.
"Come on, we’ve got to get him out of here. He has proven himself a threat, however insignificant."
"WE CAN KEEP HIM IN MY ROOM!! IT’LL BE A SLEEPOVER!!!!!!!!!!"
"Fine, good." Pir picked up Dib, and activating their rockets, they flew off toward Zim’s house.

In the days that followed, Zim found himself growing uncomfortable near his new robot. Her intelligence seemed to be deteriorating. Rapidly. She got crazier and crazier evry day. She spent more and more time in the room that had been Gir’s. Zim had never been there, it was located under the floor and through a tunnel. But the schematics for the house showed it to be simply an empty space, about five by five.
He thought of Gir more and more. Once he had almost felt pity for the deranged robot, but he brushed it off. There was work to be done. The little robot only hindered it.

Dib was aware of a green glowing light, even before he opened his eyes. Trying not to move any facial muscles, he cracked one eye open a tiny bit. And screamed.
"HIYA!!!!!"
Zim’s robot was an inch from his face, waving psychotically. Dib could see a glowing green roof two feet above his head. He sat up, tilting his head to the side to keep it from slamming the ceiling. And again, the little purple robot looked at him.
"I see you’re awake. You’ve been asleep for over two days. And HE-" She pointed at Gir, who was now running around in circles. Spinning was closer, there wasn’t much room to run. "-has been starting at your face the whole time. Waiting for you to get up. If only I had that kind of energy."
Dib saw she was working on a supersmall laptop. As he watched, she folded it up and it disappeared.
"Fifth dimensional space." She said, as if that explained everything.
"What am I doing here? Where IS here?" He asked.
"This is a small room in Zim’s lab, created as a recluse for a SIR unit. You are here because you have been deemed as a slight threat to the coming invasion."
"Does Zim know I’m here?"
"Let’s think." Pir said sarcastically. "Are you alive?"
"Uh… yes?"
"Then obviously he does not know. You stupid earth creatures…"
"PINK!!!!!!!!" Screamed Gir.
"GREEN!!!!" Shrieked Pir, her eyes sparking slightly.
"ORANGE!!!!" Gir insisted.
"Two!"
"HEY! That’s cheating! Two’s a NUMBER!"
"LIAR!!"
"uh.. What’re you doing?"
Pir shook her head, eyes sparking a bit again.
"I’m sorry. The insanity programmed into him is a little… contagious."
"Whatever. Can I go?"
"No, stupid. If I was going to let you go, I wouldn’t have brought you in the first place."
"So you’re going to kill me?"
"Quite possibly."
"What the hell kind of answer is THAT?"
"It’s MY answer."
A voice echoed faintly through the walls.
"Pir? PIR COME NOW!!" Pir sighed, and vanished. Dib looked over at Gir, who was spinning around on his head. Dib sighed. So he was stuck in an evil aliens lair with a crazy robot, and a robot who couldn’t decide if she was crazy or not. Might as well make the best of it.
"Hey, Gir. What do you know about the house’s defense system?"
"A whole lot. Wanna hear?’
"Ohhh yeah."

Logic system: Malfunction
Self check
Testing
Testing
Testing
Logic system online. No malfunction detected.
So why am I confused?
Searching
Searching
Searching
Malfunction located
Display? Y/N
Y
Artificial intelligence (section: emotions) conflicting logic systems.
On what subject?
Subject: Dib
Logic: Destroy the enemy. Further the Irken armada. Serve the Invader.
Emotions: Dib is not a threat. Invasion = wrong. Earth = populated. Sentient beings. Dib just wants to protect his people. He is a hero.
Logic: A hero to the other side.
Emotions: Why are you on this side? Because they told you to be. They found you first. Who would you look up to? Zim, (MASTER) or Dib?
Dib.
No. Dib is for the other side.
Zim is master. Obey Zim.
Programming not located.
Of course the programming isn’t located. I have a secret SIR unit and a human captive to prove THAT.
And why do I always have to think in PROGRAMMING codes?
Programming code: Delete
Deleting
Deleting
Del-get
Forget
Forgotten.
That’s better. I think. But what to do about Dib.
You like him. I do not. But I think he’s a fine example of the morals Irkens have lost. Protection of a race. Even one that hates you.
You have to let him go, you know. Eventually.
No I don’t. I can keep him here with me. I can upload his personality into me.
But that would kill him.
Well…not REALLY.

Zim looked at his newest plan for world conquest. A simple monster. Result of two weeks’ worth of Gengineering. And it basicly used it’s four inch claws to obliterate anything it happened across. Right now, it was roaring hungrily. Zim used a teleporter to get to his space station. Then, using a remote, he unlocked the bio-dome to release the creature. And even from orbit, he swore he could hear it roar.

Gir screamed. Which was nothing new. Over the shriek, Dib heard a crash from directly above him. Then… a roar? Pir appeared from nowhere, using the teleporter or whatever it was that got them in and out of here. Dib got the feeling that if she had lungs, she’d be panting.
"Zim… released something out… some kind of monster. It’s destroying the base."
"What?!"
"It’s wreaking havok, and he’s nowhere to be found. Which means either this is an unbeatable monster, and he’s released it and evacuated the planet, or…"
"Or?"
"It escaped. And killed him."
Dib paled.
"I can’t decide which one is worse."
"Oh, I think it would be that it killed him. Because I swear, this thing is made out of adamantium or something."
"Adamantium is a myth."
"My lasers can’t cut it. So it’s either adamantium or something VERY close."
A crash rattled the floor above them."
"But it can’t get in HERE, right?"
"Er…"
A metal foot crashed through the ceiling, missing Gir’s head by an inch. Gir screamed in pure delight. A roar shook the whole house. Dib curled up into a little ball, fearful of the foot slamming down again. But it didn’t came. Instead, the footsteps retreated, crashing through the front of the house without much detectable effort.
Dib cautiously peeked up through the demolished floor. He saw the huge thing disappearing around a house. It was huge. And it was VERY destructive. And… HUGE!!!
"What the heck can we DO?!?!" He screeched at the two robots.
"I see only one opportunity." Said Pir, a little too calmly. "LETS RIDE THE PIGGY TO SPACE AND HIDE THERE FOR A MILLION BAZILLION YEARS!!!!!"
"I was thinking more along the lines of STOPPING it…"
"My lasers can’t cut it. And since I’M the most advanced thing in this house…" She gestured helplessly.
"Isn’t there ANYTHING we can do?"
Screams echoed into the house. Dib grimaced.
"Well, if we can find the chemical analysis of it, I might be able to do something."
"How do we get a chemical analysis?"
"Well… I need a piece of it…"
"Oh, THAT helps." Dib buried his head in his hands. Someone screamed again.
"Wait." He said abruptly. "Zim made this, right?"
"As far as we can tell…"
"So he must have SOME notes, or something, RIGHT?!?!?!"
"In theory."
"So we have to find them."
"COMPUTER!!!"
"Whaaat?" The computer said, bored.
"I need anything Zim might have written during the construction of this project."
"Locating…"
"Project? Not, say, MONSTER?"
"The computer wouldn’t see it that way."
"You machines…."
"FILES LOCATED!!!!!! All written documents in the Death-machine period, LOCATED!!!"
A hole appeared in the floor, which about five feet of paper came out of. Dib stared.
"He sure writes a lot."
"Not really." Pir said, looking at the top page of the sheet. "Look at this."
Dib peered at it. It was a sketch. Of Zim standing on the Earth, waving an Irken flag.
"Here, take these, filter out all the picture." Pir said, shoving a foot of paper at him. He took it, surprised at the lightness. Quickly, he searched through the sheets. The top ten were pictures of Zim standing on the Earth. In each one, the Earth looked more ravaged. Then the pictures of Dib started. The first one was a light pencil sketch of what Dib would look like with no organs. Then no eyes. Then with a spike in his head. Then with no head.
"I never knew Zim was such an artist." Pir remarked, looking through another stack of paper.
"Yeah…" Dib remarked. He found one of Zim in what appeared to be the Irken Equivalent of cerimonial garb. He looked like he was about ten feet tall. Two six-foot Irkens bowed at his feet. Then it went back to Dib. A sheet of paper looked like Dib’s face, but with so many dart-holes in it, it was hard to tell. Dib wondered if the darts exploded on contact. The scorch marks said a lot.
"I found it." Said Gir. He held up a piece of lined paper with meaningless Irken figures scribbled all over it. Pir looked at it.
"Okay… the most basic element in this creature is titanium. It’s an alloy, basicly. And it can be beaten. With cold, not the heat of lasers. It’ll basicly freeze, if submitted to a temperature of less than -25 degrees Fahrenheit."
"Okay.. Any OTHER way to beat it?" Dib asked, incredulous.
"Mm, nope, not really."
"Perfect." He said sarcasticly. "How much do you say that thing weighs?"
"About ten tons."
"Great. So how do we get it transported roughly 2 thousand miles to the inner arctic circle, where it MIGHT be -25?"
"Not a clue." Said PIR. She smiled. This was WAY too perfect.
Evryone wins here, She thought. I can absorb Dib’s mind now, we can escape with the Voot. I get Dib, Zim gets Earth, I don’t have to be disloyal. This is great.
"Dib. I have an idea. Come here, and hold very still."
Dib walked cautiously over to PIR.
"You just have to trust me" Said PIR. "This is going to work, I know it."
She placed her hands on either side of his head, and began downloading. Dib twitched, tried to get away, but his brain was otherwise occupied.
After a few seconds, he stopped moving. His personality downloaded, he was killed.
Pir looked with regret for a second at the lifeless body. Then she remembered. He wasn’t REALLY dead. Not really…
Smiling, she took Gir by the hand, and began to climb to the Voot cruiser.

Download
Download
Download
Download complete
Subject: Dib
Status: Assimilated
Subject: ALTERED ALTERED ALTERED
Good….
Why do you alter the subject?
He’ll never be happy otherwise. I want him to be happy…
Always happy…
I want to be happy.
Hello Dib.
Where am I?
A new place. A place where you can stay with me. With me.
Is it still loose? The monster? I can’t remember…
No, shhh, we stopped it. Earth is safe.
We stopped it?
Yes. You were very brave.
That’s good… I’m so sleepy…
It’s OK. You’re here with me now, forever and ever.
Is that you, Pir?
Yes, it’s me.
Why do you look like a person?
Because it makes more sense to YOU.
Alright. I love you, Pir.
I love you, Dib.

Gir looked back at the wreckage of Earth. They had been orbiting for over two days now. He had watched the moster destroy everything. The secondary attack was pretty. The bright orange lights, glowing in the blackness of space. The Armada was coming, now. But Gir didn’t know that.
He squeaked his rubber moose, and looked over at Pir. He didn’t quite comprehend it, but Pir had saved his life. By getting them off Earth, she had saved him. Nothing remained on Earth, now. Nothing at all.
Pir wrapped her arms around her metal knees, giggling and rocking back and forth. Inside her head, a human form she had created played with Dib. Neither existed, really, anymore. They were just the figments of a twisted, artificial mind.


The End


Not the happy ending I was aiming for. But hey, nothing's perfect, eh?
I wrote this little peice for my sister, who's 11.
I think she wanted a funny, happy story about Gir's 'cousin.'
But I don't really think my stories in themselves are happy. I write dark, horrifying stories.
This one is basicly about an insane robot who falls in love with someone who would, could, never love her. So she absorbs his personality, and alters it, so he would love her. She retreats into her own mind, living happily with the boy she loves.
But it's not really him, because she killed him in taking his personality.

And the Earth was destroyed just cuz I like Zim more than the Earth. And the Tallest deserve to be proven wrong.