I woke up this morning with the a thought clear as crystal in my mind. If I were abducted by aliens, I wouldn't have to
go to School. I found nothing weird about this for about an hour, at which time I thought, Wait. I can't get abducted by aliens.
I am not a morning person.
Thus, a fic is born.
"The specimen is aboard the ship."
gangly blue monsters giggled, their laughter growing and growing until it became obnoxiously evil.
Johnny kept his
eyes closed. The bright red color told him if he opened them, he would be blinded. He really hoped he hadn’t been asleep
again. He tried to lift his hand, block the bright light, but he discovered he couldn’t move.
He tugged on one of
his arms. It was securely fastened to the… floor? Something horizontal. Even as he realized it, it started to turn,
becoming vertical. The light was no longer directly on his face. He opened his eyes. And was immediately assured that he was
Two aliens, about seven feet tall, peered down at him. He glared up at them.
"I think it’s awake." Said
one, with an annoying British accent.
"I don’t think so. I’m dreaming."
The aliens looked at each other
in shock. Their six arms raised up in the air, in an expression of horror.
"Oh, heavens! We don’t exist! We are just
a figment of this creature’s imagination! Woe is us!" They turned back to him.
"Was that a satisfactory example
of your ‘sarcasm’?" One asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, that was good." Johnny said sullenly. If only you knew,
he thought. "Can you let me go? My arms are falling asleep."
"Uh… Okay." Johnny’s arms and legs were released,
and he fell flat on his face.
"Your balance skills are overwhelming." Said an alien.
aliens looked at each other uncomfortably.
"What does that word mean? Our translators don’t recognise
"Oh, of all the words… Uh, fuck means… it’s a curse. Anything said with it means that the person
is cussing you out."
Johnny started feeling around the tops of his boots for the hilts of the knives he usually kept there.
A vision of them laid out on the kitchen table came to mind. Crap.
"Hmm. The human doesn’t seem to be resisting at
all. This isn’t how the book says it should happen…" The aliens consulted a yellow book. The cover said "Human
abductions for Idiots."
Johnny didn’t notice. He was searching all the pockets in his black trench coat for SOME
weapon he hadn’t left at home. All he could find were the two grenades he had gotten last week. He didn’t think
detonating them on an alien ship could cause anything good to happen. Finally he found a butterfly knife in a belt loop. He
pulled it out, and waited for the reading aliens to notice.
"Now, look her it says that the humans should be afraid of
us, very out of it, most memory functions off line.. Oh, look at this."
"Hey, I want to go back down to my house now so-"
IT’S GOT A KNIFE!! ABANDON SHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The two aliens raced for a tiny door. It slid open. They
jumped in. The door slid shut, and there was a small explosion. A clear panel on the door became a window. Johnny looked out
it. A small escape pod was jetting away. He saw that the ship was floating directly above his house. He could jump to the
ground, and probably be okay. But first he wanted to see if he could program something…
Three hours later.
sits on his couch, knees drawn up to his chest, watching the TV. He has the same insane grin he always has when watching his
contribution to the six o clock news. But this time, he was watching something else.
"-been hovering over the white house
for over an hour now. The aliens have made no contact, but officials say-"
Nny grinned. It was going to be a long, funny
I was gonna have him blast cities with lasers, but I like the independence day thing better.