I always thought that Nny would have a very depressing Christmas, so I decided to turn this situation into a happy thing!
don’t Own JtHM or any of his associates, That belongs to Jhonen Vasquez. (Who is living proof that insanity is not ALWAYS
I don’t OWN the Grinch, or Whoville. That belongs to Dr. Seuss. (Again, crazy.)
Most of the people
in the city of Whovopolis liked Christmas. Some of them were Jewish, so they didn’t, obviously. Some were atheists,
and they were feeling a little left out, what with all the jolliness, but we don’t care about them.
No, we are focusing
on one severely disturbed individual who lives just noth of Whovopolis. This young man’s name is Johnny C. Or, to those
he likes, Nny.
Nny hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season! Please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be the glaring lights, trying to blind him as he drove at night, or it could be all the fake Santas, pestering him
But I believe the reason is quite simple. He had no one to spend the holiday with. Well, exept two delusions
made of Styrofoam. But who wants to spend Christmas being pestered to kill?
Anywho, whatever the reason, Nny hated the
holiday. He was particularly moody for a whole month, and more people than were necessary met gruesome ends. He stood there
today, on the edge of a dropoff, talking to the Styrofoam, and hating the people.
He looked down at the city, all the people
moving around like tiny ants.
But he knew evry person in Whovopolis was hanging a wreath, or putting up a tree. “And
they’re hanging their stockings!’ He hissed with a frown. (Which the Styrofoam boys enjoyed to no end.) “Tomarrow
is Christmas, it’s practicly here!” He growled, his finger’s nervously drumming.
“I must find a
way to keep Christmas from coming! I can see it now. All the stupid kids will wake up nice and early, tearing into their presents,
signs of a religious holiday gone sour! They’ll open them up, and then, oh, the noise!” He imagined the next morning
with all the joy of a pessimist.
“Out they’ll come, with all their shrieking, whining toys! Honk, honk, and
squeak, squeak! They’ll run up and down the sidewalks, yelling and screaming! Oh, I can’t STAND THE NOISE!!!”
Psycho and Mr. Eff leered. Johnny was upset. That was always good.
“Then they’ll all get together, they’ll
go around, caroling, singing, and when they’re done with THAT. When they’re done with that, they’ll all
sit down o Christmas dinner. They’ll have their turkeys, and puddings, and cookies. Their candy canes and sugar. And
they’ll feast, and feast, and FEAST!” He sat back on the seat of his car, and pondered.
“You must stop
this whole thing!” Said Eff. “Why, for twenty-three years you’ve put up with it now, You must stop Christmas
And then Johnny got an idea. An awful idea. Nny got a wonderful, awful idea.
He revved up the car, intending to drive back to his house. Then something hit him, like a dead elephant falling from the
“I’m not twenty-three.” He said to Eff.
“My god you’re stupid.”
at house 777, Nny was almost done with his project. He had made a Santa Clause hat and coat. Exept the only fabric he had
was black, and he had to hold it together with duct tape BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!
“What a great evil trick!
With this hat and this coat, I look just like St. Nick!”
“No you don’t.” Said Psycho, confused.
up!” Screeched Eff, elbowing him. Nny didn’t notice.
“All I need is a reindeer.” He mused.
don’t need reindeer, you have a car.” Said Psycho. Nny just looked at the two doughboys thoughtfully.
“You idiot.” said Psycho, looking over at Eff. “You had to get him going, didn’t
you! You have to keep Christmas from coming!” He mimicked. “Well, you’ve done it now!”
reply. He was closing his eyes tightly, trying to put himself somewhere other than here. Here, duct-taped to the front of
Nny’s car, with fake antlers taped to his head.
Nny stuck his head out the window. “GIDDYUP!” He yelled,
giggling. Then he started the car, pulling it out of the driveway. They drove to house 775.
“This is the first stop!”
“WHY DID YOU DRIVE US FOUR FEET?!!” Shreiked Eff. Nny smacked him.
“Shut up! You’ll
wake them!” Then Nny climbed up onto the roof. And dropped down through the chimney.
“The front door was open.”
“Just shut up.” Said Psycho. “I think that’s not the point. Nny’s a little crazier
than normal today.”
A shattering sound erupted from the house as Nny tried to throw things up the chimney. It
wasn’t working. So he opted just to throw the presents out the window, glass and all. It never stopped him at home.
Somehow, the house’s inhabitants did not wake up as Nny loaded all their stuff into his car.. And drove next door to
do the same thing.
“It’d gonna be a loooooong night.” Said Eff.
Nny had reached the end of his street.
And he was getting bored. The car was filling up, too.
“Maybe I should go find some OTHER way of stopping Christmas.”
“Yes! Some other way!!” The Doughboys chorused together.
“Hmmm…. But how?”
the city on fire!” Suggested Mr. Eff.
“Nah. I’d burn down the 24/7.”
“Just burn down the
OTHER half of town!”
“Nah. Fire has a nasty habit of spreading.”
Psycho pondered for a second
over whether Nny was crazy enough to buy it. He decided he was, and made a suggestion.
“You could kill Santa Clause!”
Nny’s eyes lit up. Psycho snickered. Nny was a LOT crazier than normal today.
Nny proudly surveyed his work.
The chimney (Which he made out of a chopped hole in the wall, and a lot of cardboard) was completely rigged. He hadn’t
built a fire, like most Santa-fearing kids, oh, no. The cardboard would light on fire, for one thing.
The bottom was rigged
with a pressure pad. When it was triggered, a dozen or so knives would launch at whatever triggered it. Failing that, Nny
was determined stare at the Chimney all night.
Santa was as good as dead.
Hours passed. Nny stared, unblinking, at the
jagged hole in his wall. The doughboys stared at him. About three in the morning, Eff finally broke the silence.
about this Santa Clause thing… You know he doesn’t exist, right?”
“HOW DO YOU MEAN?!?!”
that exact second, something dropped down the chimney, and was impaled. Nny jumped up, pointing to the dark… thing.
“That’s Santa’s sack.” Said Eff.
HO HOOOOOOOO!!!!” The door burst in, and Santa stood there, in all his holiday garb.
for you, Johnny!!” He boomed. “You’ve been very NAUGHTY this year!!”
“I have? What did I
Santa looked confused. (Yet still evil)
“Um… you killed about two hundred people this year. And
“Oh yeah…. That little guy was a nutcase.”
“Plus you impaled my sack. That’ll
put you on The List for sure. And what’s all this about trying to stop Christmas?”
“Oh, yeeeeah. I was
gonna stop Christmas.”
“And how were you gonna do that?”
“I was gonna KILL YOU!!!” Nny
lunged at Santa, screaming like a banshee. In his right hand, he held one of his bigger knives. Santa blinked, and dissolved
in a swirl of red and green sparkles a second before Nny would have impaled him.
“That was different.” Remarked
“At least you’ve still got his sleigh.” Said Eff.
“Right… The sleigh.” Nny
looked thoughtful again.
Pieces of wood dropped through the chimney.
“I think they’re part of the sleigh.”
Said Eff. “Nny must be really wreaking hell on that thing.” The sound of crashing wood came through the chimney.
Then they heard Nny climb off the roof. A second later, the door opened.
They couldn’t see anything, having been
placed facing the chimney so they could help keep watch. Nny went into the kitchen. They heard him rummaging around.
guys want anything?” He called.
“No, we’re good, thanks.” A few minutes later, Nny grabbed the
two figures, and took them into the kitchen.
“I broke up his sleigh. It’s pretty messed up. Santa’ll
be hitchhiking tonite.”
“He’ll just hitch up his reindeer to something else, fly back to the North Pole.
But I guess you stopped Christmas this year.” Said Psycho.
“But not next Christmas. Or the one after. He’ll
just get another sleigh.” Said Eff. Nny bit into a hamburger and chewed thoughtfully.
“I guess he could find
another sleigh. But try finding more magic reindeer.” He gave the burgur a little wave. The doughboys gawked.
turned the reindeer into HAMBURGUR?!?!"
"Mmyep. want some?"